Hi guys,
Today's blog takes a more serious tone (again.....sorry!) Today is day one of taking anti-depressants to try and help with my mood. It's a huge step for me and not one that I've jumped straight into as I will explain later on. It's also something I want to blog about throughout treatment (I'm having treatment for 6 months initially) to see if it's having any effects. I also thought it would be useful to those who are reading this who are struggling themselves. Here goes....
So today marks the day I started taking anti-depressants. I'm nervous, scared and a little apprehensive as I was always scared of merely being "pill happy", but I thought I should give it a try as CBT hadn't helped much and also, where I am currently isn't what others would deem normal. I don't feel normal and if I'm honest I haven't felt normal for years. I feel like a leaf blower in a gale-force wind. Completely pointless, but people still want it around. I want to stop but I can't and it's like the monster in my head has finally caught up with me and has me by the ankles. And the worst thing of all is I've got so used to the monster to the point of comfortability. I'm scared to live without it. I'm getting on with things but it's like I don't feel like I want to be here. But I don't want to die either - plot twist. I'm living for others. I go through the motions, get my work done, have conversations and yes, I may even have a laugh or two, but in my head the monster makes me feel alone. It wants me to give up. I fight that everyday. Whether it's getting up in the morning, having a shower or even making my dinner, I force myself to trudge on.
My symptoms at the moment are just constant headaches, eye pain, tiredness and muscle aches and while I take paracetamol, nothing can cure the symptoms fully. I need sleep but instead I stay up mulling over the world and before I know it, it's morning again and I have to get ready for a long day ahead.
Depression is not just what the posters, gifs and inspirational quotes on Facebook tell you, it's a complex issue and one that's very individual. I started out with CBT therapy as I was nervous about jumping straight to pills, but while it may have helped put a medical or technical term to my thoughts, it wasn't solving them. A worry diary for me brought me more worry. I would worry I was missing things out, I was over analysing my thoughts. But more importantly, a worry diary was just spreading the anxiety. It was now in black and white as well as in my head--I got no relief from that.Of course, therapies and medication can have different effects for different people and someone else with depression and/or anxiety may find CBT the most helpful thing in the world. In a way I envy that person, I wish that could've been me.
Going to the doctors yesterday I was worried what was going to be discussed and what was next for me. I feel like I'm constantly having to act in a way that'll keep me from the men in white coats and padded walls. While I was worrying about going, it was as if I was also numbed to it. This wasn't my first rodeo so I thought I'd go in, do the explaining and get out before I have another anxiety attack. This is the wonderful depression and anxiety cocktail. You're worrying but at the same time you feel so disconnected that things just become robotic- you don't want to care. What's the point? I've tried caring for so long and I'm still feeling this way, right? This is a never ending cycle.
The doctor was surprisingly understanding and tried to lift my spirits a little. A change from the normal cut off and blunt attitude that I've had before. She even hugged me when I really broke down which felt a little strange, I've never had a doctor hug me before. One of the first things the doctor said was she thought I looked like I'd not slept for days. Fuck, did I really look that bad? As I went on describing how I felt, getting more and more emotional she said 2 words that I've been trying to run away from and suppress for years--severe depression. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I've not felt right for a while and like I said, I've tried to avoid it for years but now it seems the monster has well and truly caught me. It was official from that moment on. I have depression.
I've felt like an odd person for years and in the past, I would make a mockery of it and suppress it, discounting it as being like a birth mark I had to just live with. I've emotionally and physically hurt myself in the past also and then experienced the awkwardness of trying to hide the scars. That's what I and I bet a lot of people do, put a brave face on it, get on with things and hope it all goes away. Well 10 years on here I am. Pretending something isn't there doesn't make it not exist.
My symptoms at the moment are just constant headaches, eye pain, tiredness and muscle aches and while I take paracetamol, nothing can cure the symptoms fully. I need sleep but instead I stay up mulling over the world and before I know it, it's morning again and I have to get ready for a long day ahead.
Depression is not just what the posters, gifs and inspirational quotes on Facebook tell you, it's a complex issue and one that's very individual. I started out with CBT therapy as I was nervous about jumping straight to pills, but while it may have helped put a medical or technical term to my thoughts, it wasn't solving them. A worry diary for me brought me more worry. I would worry I was missing things out, I was over analysing my thoughts. But more importantly, a worry diary was just spreading the anxiety. It was now in black and white as well as in my head--I got no relief from that.Of course, therapies and medication can have different effects for different people and someone else with depression and/or anxiety may find CBT the most helpful thing in the world. In a way I envy that person, I wish that could've been me.
Going to the doctors yesterday I was worried what was going to be discussed and what was next for me. I feel like I'm constantly having to act in a way that'll keep me from the men in white coats and padded walls. While I was worrying about going, it was as if I was also numbed to it. This wasn't my first rodeo so I thought I'd go in, do the explaining and get out before I have another anxiety attack. This is the wonderful depression and anxiety cocktail. You're worrying but at the same time you feel so disconnected that things just become robotic- you don't want to care. What's the point? I've tried caring for so long and I'm still feeling this way, right? This is a never ending cycle.
The doctor was surprisingly understanding and tried to lift my spirits a little. A change from the normal cut off and blunt attitude that I've had before. She even hugged me when I really broke down which felt a little strange, I've never had a doctor hug me before. One of the first things the doctor said was she thought I looked like I'd not slept for days. Fuck, did I really look that bad? As I went on describing how I felt, getting more and more emotional she said 2 words that I've been trying to run away from and suppress for years--severe depression. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I've not felt right for a while and like I said, I've tried to avoid it for years but now it seems the monster has well and truly caught me. It was official from that moment on. I have depression.
I've felt like an odd person for years and in the past, I would make a mockery of it and suppress it, discounting it as being like a birth mark I had to just live with. I've emotionally and physically hurt myself in the past also and then experienced the awkwardness of trying to hide the scars. That's what I and I bet a lot of people do, put a brave face on it, get on with things and hope it all goes away. Well 10 years on here I am. Pretending something isn't there doesn't make it not exist.
Depression is a big word that has the connotations of sadness. But just because I'm depressed, it doesn't mean I don't ever feel happy. I have felt happy and I have good people in my life, but right now I'm finding that maintaining that happiness long term is quite difficult, almost impossible. For instance, I may go out and have a great day or weekend, but then I return and the clouds start to gather again. I know I have to find that long term solution but I'm not sure what, and that is a scary thought. Finding an ongoing solution for living with depression isn't something that's straightforward. It's not like a broken arm where they can scan you, find the break and give you a cast to heal it, it's something that you may go back and forth with several times before you find a coping strategy that's right for you. And as for the cause or even an exact diagnosis of a mental health issue? That could take years for some people. I guess I have been lucky in that respect, there are still many people out there who haven't received help.
So if I can end in any positive way is that if you have stumbled on this blog and you're experiencing any kind of mental health issue, you'll be OK. Look at me, I'm a complete fucking idiot yet you're reading my words. Let's be fucking idiots together and fight through this together and maybe one day we'll look back and laugh at all of this.
To friends, family and anyone else here reading this, I will not give up. Yes I feel hopeless and useless and guilty, but I'm carrying on and if I'm doing that on autopilot then there must be something deep deep down keeping me going. I also appreciate the help, even if you've said the same reassuring things a million times already. I'm really trying. Please try and be patient with me and give me some time.
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