You could be forgiven for asking where I have been. It's only since I logged on today that I realised it's been 3 months since I started taking medication for my mood and anxiety. And wow, how those 3 months shot by. Right now, I'm still taking Sertraline and seeing how I get on. I'm not seeing the doctor as often at the moment for this reason. While 3 months has felt like a flash, a lot has gone on and a lot has, and is set to change for me in the coming months ahead. Over the 3 months I have had setbacks and major mood dips, but as I'm writing right now, I feel OK.
A couple of months back, in the really early stages of taking meds, things got a little tougher. I felt stressed everywhere; at work, at home. My brain would be like a broken car engine, just running constantly. I was told at one point to take some time out, but I carried on and fought my way through it. That probably wasn't the wisest of decisions, but I didn't feel like I had an alternative. For me, worrying is like a reflex and in that decision making I factored in that I would be worried about everything anyway, no matter where I was. So, with that I made the decision that I did. I went into Dory mode and just kept swimming. By the way, if anyone reading this is facing a similar decision, take the time off. Or at least realistically think about your options. It's your choice, your brain, your mood. Ask yourself an honest question of whether having that time would help you and go from there.
The first major change/ thing that has happened in the last month has been the living arrangements. Me and Matthew have recently bought a house! While this filled me with excitement and anticipation for the times ahead, it also proved to be like a delicious multiple course meal for my anxiety to feast upon. I say multiple courses because as anyone that has bought a house will know (or is indeed thinking of buying one!) it's a bit of a waiting game with lots of money talk, paperwork and other general 'adulting' to be done (I have really come to appreciate a good sized conservatory, garden and a light hallway). And with all of that comes anxiety. What if? How? and When? being the main questions that sometimes, you just simply won't have answers to. I have admittedly struggled to come to terms with not knowing the answers to the above burning questions and have taken to reading EVERY article on Google, EVERY forum on EVERY aspect of the house buying process. Even Googling how long the conveyancing process will take. And yes, I then had to face the frustrating and equally as daunting reality that while Google knows where I am, what I've previously searched for and what shops I go to, it's not quite got to the point of predicting the future. Damnit.
And yes, I still searched. A lot.
We're hoping to be all in and sorted in the new year and that's the bit I really want to just fast forward to. Ok you got me, I'm drooling over the thought of a huge day out at IKEA arguing over Swedish furniture. I also just want to know that things are sorted. To know I can give Google a rest. To have security. Not that I don't feel secure now, but the process of buying a house is all new to me. I want to get on Matthew's level. Which is probably why I've Googled so much. Anyway, more house news when I get it. (WHEN......I hate that word)
The second thing I wanted to cover today has one hell of a motivational message behind it. And you know I love a good motivational message! My nan has recently been diagnosed with mixed Dementia. In other words, she has Vascular Dementia and Alzheimer's. Both are as shitty as each other and she's really been needing that extra care recently. Add to the Dementia and Alzheimer's a minor heart attack and she was not in a good way last week. I planned to go and see her last Saturday whether that was in or out of hospital and the plan was to go over, see nan, keep her company for a few hours and then stay over at my auntie and uncles for the night before coming home. Now, here's where the plot truly thickens. My nan and my auntie and uncle live in Northampton and so with that and the thought of a 6-hour bus journey, I decided to throw caution (or anxiety) to the wind and drive. Yes, drive. 80+ miles on roads I've never driven on before. On my own. In terms of missions, this was almost Everest.
So, in prep for the drive I did what any anxious person prepping for anything would do and Google Mapped like crazy. Let's just say that it was certainly 'leg day' for that yellow Google man! The poor sod ran all the way from Aylesbury to Corby, then Corby to Wellingborough, then Wellingborough to Aylesbury multiple times in the lead up to 'D-Day' and I may have even added some potential 'Plan B' journeys in there too. He even popped to the Corby Tesco for extra measure just so that I could see exactly where I needed to go. I'll let you get your breath back from laughing so hard and meet you at the next paragraph
So, 'D-Day' eventually came and I made sure I had everything. The sat-nav was all up to date and sitting pretty with the Corby Tesco postcode on the windscreen, my bag was triple checked and packed in the boot of the car, I had nan's shopping list saved in my phone for extra measure. Next was the playlist and then off I went. Julie Bundy on a whirlwind adventure. I was nervous but I gave myself no time for that, I stuck my playlist on and just drove.
Up to Milton Keynes I know reasonably well. Roundabout after roundabout until you came to the outskirts. That was where I had to really pay attention to the sat nav (and yes, the road too!). I also recalled some of the Google man's helpful insights and tried to focus on everything one bit at a time- in layers (more on this later). Soon I found myself on the M1. In terms of unintentional motorway driving, this was not Julie's first rodeo. I'd previously found myself on the M40 in a rather unexpected mix up with getting back to Aylesbury from Matthew's house. Anyway, back 'oop north' now and I'm merging onto the M1. Uncharted territory. So many lanes. So many emotions. The Google man didn't take me on the M1 in the week leading up to this. I felt cheated, lied to. I cursed the sat-nav. But as I had 18 miles to do, I thought it was better for me to settle down and get on with it. So that's what I did. Sing out the anxiety. That'll do the trick.
And low and behold, it did. After the M1 and some more A roads I found myself parked up at Tesco. I'd made it. Hooray! Although the significance of what I'd just done had not yet sunk in. I was a little later than I wanted to be, and I had to get the shopping done and get to nan's in time for her to take her medication. Also, this was the first time I was seeing my nan on my own for years and given her diagnoses and recent discharge from hospital I really didn't want to fuck it up. If you've read my Mulie in Devon mini- series, you'll already know what my rep is with elderly ladies!!
Seeing nan was lovely. I was expecting her to be more tetchy and irritated, but she was surprisingly upbeat considering. I got her a cuppa and after taking her pills, we had a little chat which began with me asking whether she'd been anywhere nice recently. I thought that would lighten her mood a little. I also made her a spag bol and we looked through old family pictures and watched TV. While she didn't feel like going out, it was nice to catch up with her again. I want to try and do days like that more often. If I survived once with driving, then I'm sure I'd be OK to do it again.
The message in that story is a simple one. Yes, I can. I CAN. Repeat it. Again. And again. See, if you'd have told me even a few months ago that I'd be driving 80+ miles to Northampton and back again, I wouldn't have believed you. I was terrified of everything and I wouldn't have believed I could do that. But last Saturday I did. I made some wrong turns, fluffed up some parking and I did have a lot of anxiety before and during, but I got there. Despite the anxious thoughts and all the nervous compulsive Googling, I did it. Think about something you've always wanted to do but have put off through fear or anxiety. Maybe one day you'll be able to conquer that anxiety and fear too. And it'll be so worth it, trust me. And I'll let you into my little secret- I break everything down into layers. Matthew finds this amusing, but layers is how I make something Herculean, into something a little more manageable. Don't get me wrong, I still get the pangs of anxiety with each layer but breaking it down into smaller 'layers' is better than having to deal with the whole thing at once. And when I've completed one layer, I mentally tick it off and that allows me to then clearly prep for the next layer.
While I may sound completely nuts; giving Google man several marathons, layering my days and talking to myself (I've always done this from childhood) I'm trying - and some days- conquering. And I believe you can to. Yes you. I told you on day 1 that we'd do this together and I'm still here.
That's all for today's post. in summary the past few months have been hectic but I'm doing alright.
Just keep swimming...
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