Hello all,
It’s been quite some
time since I’ve posted. There isn’t much of an excuse really as I’ve not been
working since 13th March. I took two weeks of annual leave and on the eve of my
return I was then put on furlough. So yes, I’ve had two weeks longer in
lockdown than everyone else, but then that’s two weeks of writing I could’ve
been doing. I guess my reason is with everything going on I didn’t know what to
write. It’s only after a walk, some deep thought and a metaphorical kick up the
bum that I’m even posting today. I wanted to post before honestly, I have but I
didn’t think anything from me was going to be the mind blowing, innovative
thing that anyone needed to read.
However, I thought I
would follow up on one of those post ideas I had a few weeks back and check in
with how I’ve been doing mentally. I guess that’s another reason I’ve not posted.
I’ve let myself slide a little and get myself into the ‘who will care anyway?’
bubble which, if you’ve suffered with anxiety, you’ll be all too familiar with.
So today, instead of what would’ve been a mopey post about self-pity, I thought
I would share with you some of the ways I’ve tried to make myself feel better
and change my mindset whenever I’ve felt myself slide a bit.
Ok, so to start I’ll
say that every day has been different. Some days I’ve been like ‘right, let’s
go!’ and I’ve cleaned the house, done a Joe Wicks home workout and maybe even
done a walk for good measure, and other days I’ve sat on the sofa watching
Youtube, trying to avoid watching crap daytime TV and negative news bulletins,
snacking and fearing for my job. I’m sure many people both on and even off the
furlough scheme would have experienced mixed emotions and up and down days
during these 4 months and it’s hardly surprising. But I’m learning slowly but
surely that it’s how you deal with things that matter. So, with that I’m trying
to have some more productive and therefore more positive days.
I’ve never been
amazing at dealing with problems. I’m the type of person that will worry about
it, get angry about it and may even then not bother with it because I don’t
know what to do. Lately I’ve set myself a little goal regarding that aspect of
my personality. Going forward I am going to try and face problems differently
and try not to deal with it by getting angry or just giving up. Hey, you could
say that’s why I’m back writing again. Writing is what I love to do and I think
with my emotions and ‘coping mechanisms’ I’ve avoided writing because I didn’t
know what to say but also because I didn’t want to come across as self-pitying
with everything else going on in the world.
As I hinted at
earlier, my time on furlough has been a bit of a rollercoaster mentally for me,
but it’s also been one for finding new things too and even finding that kick up
the bum I needed. Let me elaborate. In my quest to not go mental, rocking back
and forth on the sofa to daytime TV, I’ve gone on some pretty long walks with
the longest being 6 miles. It’s on these countryside walks that I remember how
lucky I am to be living where I am. Out where I live, I can be in a field bustling
with wildlife within a 10-minute walk. I even took my camera out one day to
take pictures of all the scenic landscapes and the wandering butterflies and
dragonflies that perched themselves for a picture on the long grass. I’m a bit
tired when I return from these walks as I’m not the fittest person out there,
but I do get a little boost when I see my walking stats. I’m not really into
knowing the complete ins and outs, just seeing my step counter go up does it
for me. On that 6 mile walk I did around 14k steps and even found some new
pathways and places to sit and listen to a podcast or just watch the world go
by. And again, I know that’s not ground-breaking, but it really helps me
mentally.
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Another thing that
has A, kept me sane and entertained and B, gave me the biggest reality check is
Youtube. Yes, you read that right, Youtube of all things has given me a reality
check. It’s the creators and the people that make Youtube what it is and while
there is a lot of drama amongst the community, there is also a lot of great
stuff on there too.
I’ve recently got
into watching a channel called ‘Caddicarus’ and his humorous take on reviewing
everything from retro game classics and modern remakes, to poking fun at Peppa
Pig to name but a few things. I like how he goes into real detail in his
reviews, whilst also staying true to his silly, tongue in cheek style, and
giving his audience his honest and very funny opinion. He’s a diehard Crash
Bandicoot and PlayStation One fan and has even taught me a thing or two about the franchise. His
videos have so much passion put into them that it’s hard not to keep watching.
And yes, I have been watching for weeks now and have already got through
seasons 8,9,10 and 11. I’ve ended up watching them in reverse order for some
reason. Maybe because with the world being the way it is right now, I
subconsciously want to reverse time, who knows?
Now, for the B in my
A and B list. It gets a little darker in terms of theme, but it really has been
the whiplash of reality checks and I’ve really felt that today (hence again why
I’m here!). I recently found the channels of Emily Hayward and PeeWeeToms. You
may have heard of these two brave people while watching a Stand Up to Cancer
Bake Off or just anything Stand up to Cancer themed in the past 2 years. Emily
Hayward was diagnosed with Malignant Melanoma that unfortunately spread to her
bones and her brain during her decade-long battle. Watching her videos on
Youtube from all the scan results, to her shaving her hair as she fought what
was then a terminal illness made me start to think about how lucky I was. Some
of the videos were not easy to watch. Her breaking down after being told there
was nothing more that can be done for her was especially tough, and even the
videos where she was more positive and fighting off the disease by keeping fit
had a poignancy to them knowing where her journey would end. Watching her wife
Aisha then tell Emily’s 50k subscribers and supporters that she had died was
where it really became real for me. After catching up on her journey, through
all the pain she endured and fighting on nonetheless, seeing Aisha sat on the
sofa on her own telling the story of Emily’s final moments was heartbreaking.
She was only 24 when she died. It got me thinking how weird life really was and
its harsh unpredictability. There’s something really sobering knowing that no
one is immune from life and the curveballs it can hurl your way.
Now onto PeeWeeToms,
or Daniel Thomas. He too was diagnosed with skin cancer and even referred to
Emily in one of his Youtube videos. He paid tribute to Emily and said that they
were both treated at the Royal Marsden Hospital and were treated by the same
team of doctors. His tribute video came two weeks after Emily’s death, but that
wasn’t his only reason for making the video. He himself got some terrible news
about his cancer prognosis. His extremely complex sarcomatoid carcinoma had
also taken a terminal turn for the worst. Whether it was on his vlogs on
Youtube or the blog on his personal website, he always maintained a positive
and fighting stance towards his cancer. He wanted to live and more importantly,
he wanted to find answers for others fighting the same battle as him. Due
to the nature of his cancer, not much was known about how to treat his type of cancer,
let alone how to send it packing. His cancer started in his left side and grew
from there, spreading to his blood, bones and other organs later on including
his liver. He wasn’t shy in showing his growing tumours on his channel and it
was really shocking to see the extent of his tumours which soon impeded his
ability to use his left arm towards the end of his life. He was always hopeful
at every scan and appointment. Every post-surgery vlog had a positive outlook
despite the crippling pain which only added to the poignancy. Again, I was
watching Emily and Daniel’s stories unfold knowing what their ending was, and I
think that made their vlogs even harder to watch. It was like some sort of
dramatic irony watching back knowing that despite their positive and hopeful
outlook, they were going to die.
Watching Daniel’s
later vlogs, you can visually see how much weight he had lost and how much pain
he was in daily. Seeing his wedding pictures and vlogs from him and his wife’s
honeymoon was one of those ‘stop’ moments for me. A moment that makes you stop
and think about how much he would’ve been doing now ‘if only’. He was only 32
when he died and again, for me that hit home too. Much like how Emily was very
close to my age when she died, Daniel was around the same age as Matthew is now
when he died. It’s all very close to home. Daniel’s final Youtube vlog was from
his hospice bed saying how frustrated he was as there was so much more he
wanted to do and to eat and how much pain he was now in. You can see from his
face how tired he was, and you really got the feeling that this was it. The
awful, destructive cancer had finally got to him and it made for hard viewing. Again,
much like in Emily’s case, Daniel’s wife gave his followers and supporters the
story of his final weeks and was really nice to hear how he wasn’t alone and
how he had fought all the way until the end much like Emily did.
After watching Daniel
and Emily’s videos over the past week, and finishing Daniel’s blog today,
something that has rubbed off on me is the idea of finding something positive.
As I mentioned earlier, being positive to me has always been difficult. But
especially after watching these two fight through pain every day and still
managing to function and be positive, I want to try harder to find something
positive every day. Even if it’s something silly and trivial.
Now I know that
everyone’s pain is relative. I’m in no way saying that you should cheer up
completely because at least you don’t have cancer, not at all. I myself hate
when people say that to me because, especially last year, the mental pain of
having severe depression and anxiety was so heavy and so real it was hard to
look outwards with any positivity. Pain is pain whether it’s in the mind or
body. I’m not in the same pain as I was in last year and I hope to never be
there again. I just have harder days than others. What I’m really trying to say
is that for me at least, I want to try and find even one thing a day to be
positive about. And that maybe thinking about that mantra yourself might help?
After all, it doesn’t have to be ground-breaking. It just must make you change
your mind set for a small amount of time. It’s as simple as that.
With that message I’m
going to sign off. I’ve included links to Caddicarus, Emily and Daniel’s Youtube
channels if you want to see their journeys for yourself. As poignant as they
were to watch, they were also in a way very positive.
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