As I mentioned last week, Mulie were going to see Franz Ferdinand in Brixton. They played a great gig sending the O2 Academy crowd wild with songs from their latest album along with some much loved classics such as Take Me Out, This Fire, Do You Want To and No You Girls. The band brought everything to Brixton including a nice peroxide hairdo from Alex!
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| Franz Ferdinand rock Brixton O2 Academy |
But while the band was fantastic, it was the aforementioned wild crowd that dampened the spirit for me. Tonight's post, 10 types of people at gigs, is somewhat inspired by this because hey, most great things come from a deep rooted annoyance or bitter resentment, right?
Onward!...
1. The freakishly tall person.
So, you've found your space. You may have even got there early to get the best spot. Ok, so maybe you aren't at the front, but you're as near as you can be and have made yourself comfortable. That's it, right? Just wait there patiently for the warm up act and the main act to start. No. You see, there are people that seem to know just when you've got comfy in your amazing spot and are hell-bent on ruining it for you. That freakishly tall person that has no concept or awareness of their own height. They come wandering in at the last minute meaning that your once clear view is now nothing but a big fat head! And if you're really unlucky, they may have their freakishly tall entourage in tow to make sure you can see a grand total of fuck all. The only socially accepted response of course is to then spend the next 3 hours giving them the finger behind their back and cursing the day they had the audacity to come in and ruin your view with that fuck off big head of theirs! (You can tell this is a bug bear of mine)
2. The drink-spiller.
Oh I could write a whole War and Peace on this one! So, you get to the gig and you've found the perfect spot and one that is seeming to keep all those tall people away. "This is great!" you tell yourself. However, the next thing you know there is a group of beer-clad 'lads' (could be lasses as well, keep your hair on!) that are hell bent on spilling their drink....all over you. Whether they're already pissed and have lost all sense of spacial awareness and the ability to hold a plastic cup, or they're too busy jumping about like a raving lunatic, there's no doubt that some, if not most, of that full beer is going to find its way onto you. Drenching you for the rest of the night. So, while they're plain pissed, you're just plain pissed off. Not even a sorry either or any type of recognition. If I wanted to be drenched in beer, I'd go to a piss up in a brewery, thank you very much. I would also like to say, while on the subject of drink, that it's awful that venue's such as the O2 Academy don't allow water into the venue- even without the bottle tops on! You may wonder why but as soon as you get into the venue, it becomes very clear- money. They just want to be able to sell you their extortionate bottled water. Ridiculous is not the word!
3. The space-hogger.
As if having someone tall standing in front of you wasn't bad enough, there is another threat that may await you- the space-hogger! This person will act all nice at first, smiling and thanking you as you let them stand next to you sharing your view, but as the main event gets closer and closer, or even sooner during the warm up acts, you will start to see the signs that this person is indeed a space-hogger. They'll start off by maybe an innocent looking shift to your side, but then this will start to become more of a pronounced shove or maybe even a barging movement. Soon enough, they're under your armpit and still gagging for room! "Sod off space-hogger, I'm here too!" you want to scream as their shoving and squishing starts to become increasingly unbearable. There are two routes you can go with this; you can fight to the bitter end, sometimes ending up in a verbal or a glaring war for space, or you can back off and find yourself some more room before you end up ripping their head off (along with that freakishly tall person's head) It sounds trivial but for a claustrophobic person, it's no laughing matter. Being at a gig in the first place is a massive achievement in itself, but to then be forced out of a great space because of an unapologetic space-hogger is the ultimate nightmare.
4. The mosher.
So taking someone's well earned space is bad enough, but to then start a mosh pit right next to the innocent bystander when 1. noone called for it and 2. the crowd isn't that type of crowd, is something else entirely. I guess this person could also fall into the drink-spiller category also as while they're dancing, you can pretty much guarantee that whatever drink they're holding is going in one direction- you. If you're in the appropriate place, I guess that moshing is kind of acceptable (kind of- I don't really get the moshing thing- I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH I'M GUNNA PUSH EVERYONE OVER NOW) but if you're at a gig like Franz Ferdinand then no, just no. Dance about if you like but moshing? Just take it somewhere else you moshing moron!
5. The fidgeter.
So, you've had that group of people that do the "excuse me- can I just- ok-can I just-yeah, just- thanks" thing to get past you and find their spot. The crowd is coming in thick and fast at this point and things- like patience- is starting to wear a bit thin. You let people in, you get thanked a bunch of times. It's like being at that awkward point in a shopping queue when you're standing right by the impulse buys shelf. It's the height of tedium. But, what if that same group of people keep asking to come back and forth several times making you move and contort yourself like a weird game of Twister each time? At this point, your inner voice has gone from saying "this is quite annoying" to "if they ask me to move one more fucking time!!" You give them death stares as they pay their 1000th trip to the bar, and come back almost spilling their drinks on you for the 1000th time. (see, all of this is very connected) All you have left to pray for is that when the main act comes on, they'll eventually stop moving and stay still. Oh wait, nope, off for another trip to the fucking bar....*SIGH*
6. The miserable sod.
It's a popular phrase- "there's always one!" but even at the most lively and fun gigs there's always one that you look over to and they're frowning, making it clear that they would rather be anywhere else but there at that particular time. Ok, so you may have got dragged there by a friend or partner, but even then, would you not even make at least the smallest effort to smile or look a little jovial. After all, for everyone at the gig, there would have been at least 50 or so more people that would've sold a limb to be where you are standing. So, even if it's not your bag or not your usual genre of music, make some effort to enjoy something about being there. You're with a friend or partner after all- have fun with them. You never know, you might find that there's a new genre you like! Open your mind, live a little! You might just enjoy it.
7. The one that doesn't know the band (or the songs)
This for me is unforgivable. Even if you've been dragged along or you're filling in for someone, at least do some research before you rock up and take the space from someone that would've loved to go. Learn a song at least or even read up about the band so that things aren't that alien to you when you turn up. It's embarrassing for everyone when you end up shout-singing the completely wrong lyrics to a song that literally everyone else in the entire venue (and maybe even the world) knows. Also when you start leaning over to the person you came with and asking stupidly obvious questions about a huge band. Maybe the cone of shame should be used for these people.
8. The one that thinks you're touching them up in the squashed crowds
It's crowded, more people are coming in, asking to squeeze past and you're left trying to accommodate this growing demand from people whilst maintaining your own space and sanity. The next thing you know someone is squeezing past you and in your valiant efforts to move even inch of yourself out of their way as they barge past, your hand is stuck and before you know it, you've done the ultimate embarrassing (and in these days, almost life-threatening) move: the accidental bum graze. This can go one of two ways; you can either at that point end up the subject of a death stare or outburst from the grazed person, or they don't notice and move on with their barging. On Saturday, the former happened to me. The woman I accidentally bum-grazed looked back at me and knowing what I'd accidentally done, I decided to look away at the stage. I thought looking at her would be weird- like I intended it and I wanted her to know it. The truth was I was already claustrophobic and the bum-graze was the last straw in my patience with the crowd. To think she actually thought I touched her bum intentionally? "Don't flatter yourself, love" I said internally. If you're reading this bum-grazee, I apologise for accidentally grazing your bum. I most certainly didn't mean to. To be honest though, you did barge past in a rush and also, your bum wasn't all that. I suppose I should be grateful that it wasn't someone shorter.
9. The one with the terrible stench.
The pushing, the pulling, the moshing, the drink spilling, the accidental bum grazing. All incredibly annoying but what is, in my opinion more annoying is that person that likes to express their excitement to the crowd in a more silent but deadly way: by unleashing their deadliest farts or by B.O. Either way, those within a sniffing distance are doomed to endure the ever powerful stench. Matthew will know all about this one and boy was I suffering for most of the gig with his bio-hazardous weapons. I guess for a short time it did help to clear a bit of space for us both to stand in, but after that it was just distracting. Farts aren't the only bio-hazard that could await you, B.O is also another threat to the innocent bystander. Especially when the sweaty person is also a space-hogger. So not only is the sweaty person all sweaty and horrible- you are too and not only that but you have to deal with that for the whole duration of the gig and the journey home. A journey home where other people will then think you're the sweaty one! See, this is a perpetual circle of events! Just wear some good antiperspirant for everyone's sake.
10. The ones that leave before the encore.
Like with any Marvel film- one does not simply leave as soon as the credits roll. Every Marvel fan will know this. It's a rule that has been established for quite some time now but still you see some people standing up and leaving as soon as the film finishes. A travesty. This can be said also for people who leave the gig before the encore. Franz Ferdinand on Saturday did a 5 song encore- practically half the gig over again! Imagine missing that! The encore was also where the epic ending of 'This Fire' was played as they left Brixton Academy in a jumping, shouting euphoria. That atmosphere of a final song in the encore is something that can't be beaten. You've had a great night with a great band and this was their final goodbye and lasting memory of the night. Why would anyone want to miss that? Even for a train home? It's 2018 now, trains run later than 11pm in London, c'mon now. Stay until the bitter end. Don't be the one who missed out because they didn't stay.
So, that's my list of 10 types of people at a concert. This is a generalised list by the way and mostly reflects the most annoying types of people. You may not personally identify with any of those, but it's almost guaranteed you've come across people that epitomise one or more of these categories.
I will try and get back later this week but for now stay safe from the 'Beast from the East' (not at all media scare-mongering...)
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