Searching for Serotonin - 2 years on...

A lot has happened since my first ever mental health-related blog just over 2 years ago. As you may already know from past posts, I've since bought a house and moved away from Aylesbury, I'm also, along with the rest of the world, negotiating a global pandemic. This pandemic, fortunately, played right into my introverted hands; I legally had to stay indoors and not see anyone apart from Matthew. To say we got the timing right on moving in together was an understatement. It's also been a trial-by-fire. We've gone from only seeing each other on the weekends to now spending every waking moment together. Fortunately, it's worked out for us and we haven't killed each other yet and for that I'm grateful. I'm not saying it's completely smooth sailing. Like any couple, we have our moments, but it's pleasantly surprised me how well we've got on.

I was also put on furlough for 5 months in 2020 which oh-so-happily fell over the summer months. I went on long walks, read books I'd not had the time to read, learn to sew (badly), and let my creative juices flow with writing and painting. It was an odd time of feeling bad for not working even though I couldn't (although I did check emails), worrying about what I could be going back to (if anything at all), juxtaposed with the feeling of lightness that I had going for a 6-mile walk and a picnic in the sunshine. So when I was asked to go back to work, I felt this weird pang of grief. Odd, I know, but I had to grieve the idea that I'd never get time like that again. 

I should also start I guess by addressing some of the things I said in that post 2 years ago. Back then I was having CBT sessions and I was on 2 anti-depressants a day. That has since changed to 0 pills and 0 counselling. I made the decision to come off the pills myself about a year ago as I found they weren't helping. I'd still worry excessively, I'd still have low moods. So I figured I was just popping them for the sake of it. My counselling ended after around 6 sessions and I guess after that finished, and I took myself off the pills, the road ran out. Like I also mention in my 2-year-old post, everyone's treatment and mental health journey are different. What didn't end up working for me, may well work for you. It's a case of trial and error as frustrating as that sounds. I'm definitely still in that phase. I suppose after all that I just floated along trying to deal with life as it came at me. But I knew deep down I needed something, I just didn't know what. Where do you turn when CBT and pills don't help? I did what you're told not to do and that was to suppress my feelings and act like things were OK. And they were if you looked at things from the outside. I know how lucky I am to have what I have. There are people that don't have jobs, homes, or family and friends thanks to the pandemic. By those standards, I have nothing to worry about.

But the really annoying thing with anxiety and depression is that you really do have A LOT to worry about (in your head at least). And, whether I feel justified to feel it or not, I still have a lot of anxiety and episodes of low mood. Up until now, I've tried to just carry on and try and muddle my way through it. A method that has proven successful on the surface, but hectic as fuck underneath. By that I mean I get my work done, I show up, I reply to messages, I'm there for friends; I can put on a brave face and crack on because, well, it needs to be done. But away from the gaze of others, it is a slightly different story of late. I've noticed more and more symptoms and thoughts creeping back in and so last week I decided to self-refer for more counselling. This time, however, my game plan was to ask for something that went deeper than CBT. I got a call back about 2 days later to arrange my first appointment with a counselor. It felt weird filling out that questionnaire again. It brought back memories of 2019 filling them out and crying at the black and white reality that looked back at me.

When it was time for that 1st appointment, I felt nervous. I hadn't told anyone I'd self-referred as I wasn't sure people would really understand. Also, I fear what people will think of me going back after 2 years. The thought of going backward in terms of my mental health; being dramatic for even opting to go back. Even posting on here I have the fear of judgment. I've always been terrified of what other people think of me and I hate the thought of letting people down and failing. I'd failed to sort things out 2 years ago, what makes me think it's be any different 2 years on? And I might be right, it might not help, but I know I don't feel comfortable feeling this anxious about everything all the time. I know I don't like some of my compulsive behaviours. I know I want to be able to approach things with more of a positive attitude and not one of complete fear and trepidation. I try my hardest to approach things positively and fight my negative thoughts and remind myself I'm probably overthinking and 'fortune telling', but as with all habits, it can be really tough. 

Most of the 1st appointment was going through my questionnaire answers in more depth, which then also lead to speaking about how I was 2 years ago. That was tough and very emotionally draining. Trying to explain my past and present anxieties, habits, and fears without blubbering or hyperventilating is something I don't think I'll ever master. But, nonetheless, I saw it as necessary to address if I'm ever going to move forward. When it came to discussing end goals, I reached for the one that I'm sure everyone with mental health issues immediately reaches for: to not feel as anxious anymore. 

Well done, Jules. 10 out of 10 for the most cliche, unrealistic goal in the history of all goal setting!

What I did also mention though, was confidence. I envy people who seem to ooze confidence. You know the type that could sell a Christmas dinner to a flock of turkeys (sorry vegans). Of course, seemingly confident people can also have mental health issues- it's not an exclusive club. I'd love to have the guts to speak out without having rehearsed it 20 times in my head first then scolding myself for being too bold and arrogant for speaking up. I'd also love to have the guts to drive somewhere new without having to rehearse on Google Maps with the yellow man first, curb my compulsive nail and skin biting, manage my irrational emotional responses, do a task without fretting, checking it 10 times and worrying about it all night, and I'd love to be brave enough to give myself the kudos I give my friends.

I'm not usually one for Insta quotes, but deep down I know there's a lot of truth to this

I guess that'll all come in time. But for now, the way I cope is finding something that makes me happy and doing it as much as humanly possible. So, you'll find me writing, reading, painting, or out walking. Having mental health issues isn't something to feel ashamed of. I'm going to leave on a quote from one of my favourite films of all time, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button:

" I hope you live the life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." 

Note to you and me: If you're not happy with something, you have the power to change it. Seeking help is not something to be ashamed of. Your mental health does not define you.

Until next time...